IPDI POLITICS ONLINE CONFERENCE, 2006
Walking away from the Marvin Center at the heart of the George Washington University on wednesday, I had a pain behind my right eye- it was sorta like someone had inserted an awl into the tiny hole behind my eye that usually serves as a conduit for my optic nerve- and dang it, it just wouldn't go away. The nagging ache was complimented by a voice in my mind, repeating, over and over:
"My God- they have no souls..."
But I'm getting ahead of myself...
I wanna clear myself from any charges of having "nothing nice" to say about this inexplicable gathering, by listing the great things that occurred during my time at the conference, at the beginning...
1: First and foremost, the staff, particularly Julie Barko and Carol Darr, are sterling folks. They're some of the few genuine, honest folks that I've met in the den of weirdness that DC has become. Whatever the negative aspects of this conference, such happened in spite of their efforts. I wish them all well- especially the volunteers.
2: George Washington University didn't spare a dime, when it came to accommodations. After a long day's travel, I entered my hotel room, expecting the standard claustrophobic small room, with a bed. However, I stumbled into a foyer, which opened into a living room with adjoining dining area and kitchen. A hallway by the living room sofa led to a master bedroom with two(?) beds, and a spacious bathroom (by hotel standards.)
Kudos, on that, IPDI- hopefully, tax dollars didn't pay for it.
3: Tuesday was a particularly beautiful day- between events, I found myself wanting to just lounge in on a bench outside, soaking up the sun. Unfortunately, I spent far too much of it inside.
4: The "Aroma" Restaurant on Eye street serves the hottest Lamb Vindaloo I've ever had. It's the sorta stuff that has you sweating after two bites.
Hmmmmn. I think that just about covers the good parts- now, we'll proceed:
I took the trip down to DC, via Amtrak, and lemme tell ya- every trip via any form of public transit, is a crapshoot, these days... Are you gonna be seated on the car with three crying babies, or will you be surrounded by people nattering away on their cell phones?
As we pulled out of New york's Penn Station, I happened to choose a seat opposite of four marketing execs, who immediately began a raucous conversation amongst themselves, concerning their trade.
Now, I must digress, momentarily. For those who aren't aware, people who work in marketing are Satan's foot soldiers. These are the people who find "market angles" to sell us the worst corporate poisons in our world today. These are the people who are charged with the task of selling us drugs that cause death and injury, fat-laden unhealthy sub-standard food, and Hummers. If anyone reading this is working in marketing, you have two choices, in my book- quit and spend the rest of your life in a monastery atoning for your sins, or shoot yourself.
Listening to these four leeches natter back and forth was like listening to a gaggle of retarded crows spewing an endless torrent of buzzwords: "In marketing, You GOTTA key your eye on the METRICS, dude!" The strangest thing of all, is that every fifth word was "marketing".
At one point, a young buck disengaged himself from his blackberry long enough to lean forward, asking the old man of the outfit (who was in his mid-thirties) "Hey- who in the marketing division is the hands-down BEST, in marketing?"
After a few seconds of sage silence, Zarathustra spake: "Jenkins."
Apparently, this was something significant, because it induced hushed tones of awe, from the others...
At this point, I wandered off to another car, to plot the demise of this "Jenkins" spawn.
Arriving in the heart of DC, at Union Station, I looked up at the grand entrance hall. It is indeed always a remarkable sight- the pristine white arch, filigreed with gold- flawless italian marble stretching down the sheer improbable length of the place- everything clean. I guess it's supposed to instill people with the idea that they've just arrived somewhere important, and while in times past, it has aroused similar emotions within me, this time it struck me thus:
"LOOK AT OUR BIG BUILDING- WE'RE STILL RELEVANT- PLEASE LOOK AT OUR GRANDEUR- PLEASE? PLEASE! LOOK- WE HAVE GOLD- AND OVERPRICED HOT DOG STANDS! AREN'T WE MARVELOUS? PLEASE LOVE US!!!!"
It sorta struck me as a immense public consumer lavatory decorated by Liberace and Tammy Faye Bakker.
As much as I hate Greyhound, I'd recommend their entrance into the city, as opposed to the Amtrak route- it's a tad more honest. You pass through slums that are stark, gutted ruins, with the gleam of the capitol dome, visible through broken walls. People existing in broken-down shacks that are more reminiscent of the shantytowns of Peru, than a city of the import that Union Station tries to sell.
But enough about the city- on to the conference:
Disappointment: My Panel.
Upon arriving, I discovered that the panel that I was slated for was "different" from the other panels, in which it would be a moderated question-and-answer session, rather than a situation in which each panelist was given so many minutes, solo, to present their material.
Bollocks. As much as I hate public speaking, I spent eight days carefully writing and re-writing an eight-page presentation, that had been rehearsed, and timed to the second, along with a 25-slide powerpoint presentation.
Bollocks. I could have spent that time animating, or researching CMS.
Disappointment- the forums, over all...
At a university congress about the future of politics on the internet, I figured there might be talks about substantial things, like bridging the still-immense digital divide, and ensuring that computers were available to schools and libraries, to facilitate interest in politics in young voters and students.
Alas- I was mistaken. During my time at the conference, I wandered into three forums (aside from the one I spoke at.) It's kinda hard to describe- the folks sitting at the tables were spewing out words, but they didn't seem to make much sense, when put together:
Forum one:
"Blackberry triangulation strategies led to unprecedented fluctuations in voter dynamics, for the trimester leading up to the campaign season"
Uh- okay...
Forum two:
"In coming years, we'll be seeing more of this (while pointing to a chart with twenty color-coded bars)- I can't stress how important this is, in relation to related marketing fluctuations."
Urp- did I just hear the word "marketing" in relation to politics? I think I'm gonna have to leave, now- I feel the vindaloo rising...
Forum three:
"This particular candidate used the internet to dynamically track interstices between polling benchmarks, ensuring that come election day, he'd have it in the bag " (Big audience laugh.)
The hell you say...
It's nice to see so many folks get together, and spend a day, throwing meaningless chatter at each other- truly, it gave me hope, for our democracy. It was almost hypnotic- after ten min
utes, you were so bored, you drifted off to a satori of disinterest, slightly above that provided by sleep- you could almost forget there was a war going on, that poverty was surging while wages were plummeting, and that murdering psychopaths are running the country.
Disappointment: Among these people...
I'm the guy who did "Idiot son of an asshole." That's the extent that these people have any interest in, or knowledge about, my work.
Disappointment: The promised wireless connection didn't work.
This truly sucked at an event which was supposed to be highlighting internet technology. Many was the time I could have just whipped out my laptop and shown my work, instead of giving vague generalities, and scribbling URLs on the back of business cards.
Disappointment: My panel, again.
Now, before I go too far- my fellow panelists were knowledgeable, and while I found my proximity to a waspy co-panelist that had obviously recently dragged itself out of the basement Coulter Cloning facility that operates out of the RNC basement to be barely tolerable, overall, I surprisingly found that we were all on the same wavelength, as far as what to talk about. About half of the stuff that I had included in my canned notes was touched on, during the first half of the panel.
My co-panelist from Politics TV, however, while having my respect for his noble cause, was just a tad too overbearing in his hard-sell to a captive audience. We get it, dude- you obviously sunk a lot of cash into this- we'll go to your site- chill.
At around 4:30, someone in the audience raised their hand- asking "this panel is about videos- when are we gonna see some?"
The moderator (a college republican wonk-in-training) admitted that this was a good idea, and Mr. Politics TV leapt to the podium, breathless, to show off what he had to offer: a parody adaptation of the academy awards, which gave ironic prizes to republican politicians. It seemed to go over well- but very little makes me laugh, these days.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Then, Coulter Beta stepped to the fore, and was ebulent as she showed off her prize accomplishment: a video that compared John kerry to a cockroach (oops- I mean "cicada...")
Ha. Ha. Ha.
I choked back the vomit, as someone in the audience yelled for more. I kept my gaze locked forward, and counted the threads on the tablecloth.
Finally- she sat down, and as I reached into my pocket, to pull out my jump-drive that contained the piece I had earlier prepared for showing, the moderator locked eyes with me for a second, turned to the audience, and said:
"Any other questions?"
I shit you not. I wasn't allowed to show my video.
I cleared my throat, just as someone immediately arose in the audience, to pose a question. The video show was over, apparently. Now, if I were the GG Allin of politics, I would have immediately shoved a banana up my nether regions and, breaking wind, sprayed it out over the audience- but I don't roll that way.
If the video ever comes out, you'll notice that, after this moment, I've lost all interest in the proceedings. In 20-20 hindsight, I should have just walked out of the damned place- but I was sorta flummoxed- they bring me in as a video expert, but I CAN'T SHOW MY VIDEO?
Oh, yeah- I forgot- I'm the "idiot son of an asshole" guy- the guy who will show up with freaky, unkempt hair, a bleary stare, and a stinky overcoat to lend a tad of "street-geek atmos" to the proceedings.
Geez- the least they could have done, was set me up a petting zoo with an extra-comfy sofa, a cooler full of coke, and a TV that looped "Married with children" re-runs.
Disappointment: the future of politics and the internet.
These folks don't see the internet as a way to bring you anything new- they just see it as a way to shove more of the same stomach-churning crap we've had to endure for the past 20 years, in greater volume and frequency than ever before imagined. They envision a bright, shining future, in which their tripe (on both sides), is shoved into your cell phone, your computer, your blackberry, your Ipod, your email, your thinkpad, and your PDA- if you thought political advertising was fake, smarmy, and disingenuous- well, hold on to your hat- you're gonna SOAK in it, baby.
They sincerely believe the only reason that their idiocy isn't working as well as it has, in times past, is because NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE are seeing it.
Disappointment: The next generation
At this conference, there were 20-something veterans who had served in no less than three major campaigns- and lemme tell ya- they knew it ALL...
They all had doctorate degrees- they came from all over the country, but had emerged into the world of politics, fresh from places like George Washington U. These were to be the inheritors of the political establishment.
And they had no souls.
Looking into their eyes, was looking into the windows of an abandoned house. When you spoke to them about matters of import, they would spew their talking points, by rote, devoid of any passion, or care. I wish I could say that this cold indifference was exclusive to the republican side, but alas, the democrats were equally empty:
Me: Why doesn't the democratic party just come out, and say the obvious- that we were lied into a war against Iraq, and it was a mistake, from the beginning?
Democratic neophyte: Well, the issue is far more complex, than just that, and we just don't have the time to re-hash old issues- we try to keep focused on what's down the road.
Me: Old Issue? There was another car bombing over there, just today! Last month, we lost 58 soldiers!
Democratic neophyte: And we abhor that, of course, but that's not germane to the issue...
Me: Say what now?
Democratic neophyte: It all boils down to the reality that a lot of finger-pointing gets us nowhere, in relation to this issue.
Me: I'm sorry, but that's just f**ked up- the democrats need to stand up, like John Edwards did, admit that voting for the war was a mistake, and tackle the republicans head-on.
Democratic neophyte: Again, we don't like to dwell on old issues- right now, we have to be focused on success in Iraq, blah, blah, blah, quack, quack, quack.
And so it went.
When you pressed them on any issue- poverty- healthcare- war- education- they would obfuscate, re-contextualize, and natter on and on in a bizarre washington dialect that has high on syllables, but empty of substance.
I finally realized that to them, this was just a job- like the marketing desk jockeys in their power ties that made life on the train nearly unbearable, these folks were in the business of selling war, greed, and lie after grotesque, murderous lie to the american public. They were there, not because they particularly cared about the issues that are so vital to the american people- they just saw politics as a big advertising agency from which they could retire at 40, and spend their remaining years serving as "policy expert" talking heads on CNN or Fox.
What was most frightening, was the rigid orthodoxy in thought and demeanor that w
as present, in every one of these future movers and shakers of our democracy. I mean no joke, or irony, when I say that it reminded me of "Invasion of the body snatchers"- and the pods are apparently being distributed, widely.
On Friday, I was watching Bill Maher, and one of his panelists was Ramesh Ponnuru, senior editor of the conservative National Review. Watching this guy, I was having flashbacks- he had the same empty eyes, the same evasive wonkishness, the same smarmy indifference. So do Karen Hughes and Scott McLellan- and a lot of others. Now that one knows what to look for, the pod people are easy to spot.
The horror is- they've already taken over. No matter who we send to Washington, these are the people that define the debate, set the rules, and guide the agendas. They are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors. They are holding all the keys, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them. (tip of the hat to Morpheus, there.)
Disappointment: the "DC Handshake "
I'm no stranger to handshakes- I got my Sigma Cum Laude in the art, back in '94: grasp- eye contact- emote- release. If someone is into the dominance game, and wants to match grips, that's cool- but if you're gonna play- play to win.
However- everyone at this conference had the same handshake- the salesman's handshake. You know the one- a strong, firm grasp that pinches the knuckles halfway down the fingers- coupled with a smarmy, disingenuous smile that brings out the crow's feet on the youngest of faces.
Every time I shook hands with someone, I got a flashback to the fat, cigar-chomping huckster who sold me a 600-dollar chevette, back in '92.
Disappointment: The Sales Floor.
Money, money, MONEY!
Step right up- shoot the bottle off the monkey's head, and you get a free, genuine foam rubber paperweight, crafted in the image of our own beloved united states of america! Buy our magazine, even though the story we covered last month (copies proudly given away, gratis) was proven to be a bag of bullplop... Us just being here proves we have the balls to promote ourselves, in the face of our ineptitude- if you don't subscribe, you're obviously part of the "reality-based" community.
For a while I amused myself by saddling up to a booth, at random, glancing at the literature, or the monitor, and seeing how long it would take the salesman to approach me, and begin their spiel. The record stands at five seconds.
Now- there was a diamond in the rough, here. The Blogads crew were there, and, well- they were cool folks- unlike the polished, slap-dash-quick-sale crapola that I got from all of the other exhibitors, they spoke to me like I was a human being.
Disappointment: This is a game to them...
Conversation overheard between two poli-sci grad students- one republican, the other, democratic:
You worked for Whittacker?
Yep- state congressional race- special election in March, last year.
Wow- I worked for his opponent!
Woah- so we were on opposite ends, there- cool! That was a TOUGH race...
Yeah- But that push-polling you guys rolled out, suggesting that our guy was a child-molesting heroin addict with Down's syndrome was RIGHTEOUS!
It wasn't an easy sell- the higher-ups wanted to go with "Osama-loving coward who wears fetish gear under his suit", but we won them over...
We have the same problem on our end with the old school- Hey- you think I could take a look at the metrics on that initiative, later?
Yeah- we'll meet up at the cocktail party!
These soulless kids had spent the previous six years having the worst elements of our politics presented to them as the "status quo." Given that this is now their high benchmark, we can only anticipate things getting worse- much worse.
They aren't interested in solutions- they're only interested in how problems can be exploited for gain in the current season.
In the end...
As I awoke, on Wednesday, I took a look at my return ticket, and realized that I wasn't due to leave until 5:00, that evening. It was 11, and I wanted to get the hell out of DC. I went over to the Marvin Center, to pay my last respects to the IPDI staff. My last words to them were:
"I have nothing in common with these people- they see this as a way to make money- they see it as a game. I wish I could take a flamethrower, and clean this place out."
"You're wrong" I was told.
I may be- I hope I am, but if this conference was any indication of the future of online politics, and the true nature of what passes for politics in Washington, I have little hope for the future.
In conclusion:
We all know things in our nation's capital are screwed up- we've all known it for a long time. It doesn't matter whether republicans or democrats are running things. We have good candidates, but as soon as they get into washington, they turn into buffoons. Such is common knowledge.
But it isn't until you go into Washington, and walk in the rarified air of the institutions of that city, that you truly appreciate the nature and depth of the problem.
There is no hope for change in that city- none- nada- nil- zilch. If the liberals and the progressives want to change things, there's only one solution- and that's taking over the democratic party, at the local level.
It doesn't matter that Dean is Chairman- the party needs to be changed, from the bottom up. If you think a savior is going to emerge in a political culture that is mired in nihilistic opportunism and feckless navel-gazing, you're sadly mistaken.
Just as the religious right filibustered GOP meetings, until they drove everyone else away, we're going to have to do the same.
I doubt I'll ever go back to one of these conferences (this was my second time around), even if they give me another two nights in swanky digs. The only things I walked away with were a deeply troubled soul, a headache, and a desire to drink heavily- and that just can't be healthy.
But, in the end, it was an educational experience. I wish I could give tours- everyone in america needs to meet these people- look into their eyes, and sense the emptiness- it chills the soul- it's like looking into the infinite vacuum of space, and when you see it once, you'll remember it, forever.
I know it will haunt me, to my dying day.